Roller Coaster in some Jokes

[thieves]

When asked if I believed in safe sex?

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}Of course I do, I have an iron railing around my bed.

[bleu]

Comprehending IT - Take One
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want?"
The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[cerridwen]

This little boy asked his dad what's in between mums legs?
Dad said: "Is paradise my boy."
Boy asks: "Ok, what's in between your legs?"
Dad said: "Is the key to paradise."
Boy replied: "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

[fizzy]

Failed Excuses

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E.today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being abskent. She was sick and had her shot.
3) Dear school: Please ekscuse john being absent on Jan: 28, 29,30, 31,32 and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out his fase.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He got hurt in his growling part.
8) Megan could not come to skool today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the sh!ts. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leek.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being absent. It was his father's vault.
15) Kept Billie home because she went Christmas shopping and don't know what size she weers.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we fought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in skool a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marenes.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Gloria was absent yesterday since she was having a gangover.
22) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
23) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever with sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick with fever and sore throat. Her brother had this low grade fever and ached all over. Wasn't the best sore throat and fever sickness. There must be something going around, her father also got hot last night.
24) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is done and could not get him ready because was in bed with the doctor.

[indigo]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer please?" he says.
The bartender promptly serves him a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

[kizz]

Of all the people in the whole of the human race, God chose Adam for a chance in eternal life.
His decision made him shout, as loud as he could: 'Adam! Come forth and win eternal life without aging'.
Unfortunately Adam came fifth and won a toaster.

[macy monsoon]

A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms.
He tells the priest about his wish, but the priest says: "How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?"
He replied: "Arms? Who needs them?"
So, this armless chap runs to the top of the bell tower, starts ringing the bell with his face and making outstanding chimes. Unfortunately, he misses the last note and falls from the bell tower.
Parishioners gather around him, asking: "Who is this chap?"
The priest says: "I have no idea but his face rings a bell."

[jet]

The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.
First up are the SAS. They don their infra-red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.
Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries, eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says this trainer.
Lastly, in go the police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling hill street blues. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "Sierra Oscar Lemur One, suspect headed
straight for you", etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks this incredulous trainer.
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"
So, back they go.
Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning this trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.
"Are you taking the piss?" asks this seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "alright, alright, I'm a screwing rabbit!

[perabo]

Doctor, doctor I feel like a racehorse - take one of my pills every 4 laps!

[tigs]

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog - what's wrong with that - I think I'm going to croak.

[artemis]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a car - you must be going round the bend.

[gymslip]

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible - who said that?

[jet]

B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Individual That Causes Hardons.
[ (o )^( o) | })i({ ]

[nantosuelta]

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a comedian - you must be joking!

[widdershins]

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar - don't worry you'll soon change!